SPREADING POSITIVITY AND KINDNESS

WATCHING FROM THE SIDELINES

My view of growing up

"On the outside always looking in" - famous line from the show, Dear Evan Hansen.  The idea of always watching is how I perceive my childhood.  I watched a lot.  Afraid to jump in for fear of being judged. I can't really pinpoint why this was a major part of my childhood.  My family never once told me that I was bad at anything or that I should not try things.  In my head, I was the biggest star on Broadway, and then watched as others honed their crafts by taking dancing lessons, acting lessons, music and voice lessons. I just dabbled. With every attempt, I rallied, improved, and then stopped.  "I probably won't be good enough anyway, so why bother." "Everyone else is more talented than I am , so why continue." "I can just work backstage, it will be easier." These thoughts took up SO much of my childhood and then I blinked and I was graduating high school.  It's not as if I was a recluse. I went to summer music school, took some private music lessons. Everyone in my life saw potential, except for me. 

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Wow, painting a picture like that seems depressing. It is not all that depressing, really. I performed in every school concert from 4th grade through college even! I played the oboe, which was hard to do! I started that in the 6th grade and really did follow that through college.  But, again, looking back, it was all about confidence.  You would think that an earthquake was occurring with the amount of shaking that I did due to being so nervous.  What if I make a mistake? What will others think of me if I make a mistake? How will they judge me?  I don't think that way as much as I used to, but it does still tend to happen here and there, but I will save that for another blog post. I mean really, just putting my thoughts down and putting them in a blog is a huge risk for me. 

But I am different now.  This is a beginning for me. As I write, I have decided that perhaps writing little stories about each parts of my life may work for me. Has it been so interesting? Not really.  But perhaps, as I am writing, I will be able to put some ideas in there that may inspire others to find courage.  Others like me who watch peers take risks and find success while we sit back and wonder, "what about me?" "I should be able to do that too." "I CAN do that too, and who cares who is judging me."  

I have put a lot of my recent positivity thoughts on Facebook over the last few years for a variety of reasons and now I think, strike that, I know that I am ready to put myself out there. If anyone is listening, I thank you.  If I can make someone smile and find some positivity with each post, then I will have done my job. And for those who read and judge - that's okay. I can take it now.  I am doing this for the right reasons.  I am taking charge and fixing my mistakes one at a time. And they are mine to correct.  I will do this through reflection and through action and all the while spreading positivity and kindness in a world where that is what we need most right now.

Thanks for listening!  xoxo